Notes to My Siblings

Sometimes I struggle with being joyful for others’ joyful life events. Sometimes it feels like life is moving on without me. Maybe you read that and I already have the thing that you so badly want and you wonder, how could I feel that way when I already have the thing that fills the ache? The thing that if you could just get there, life would feel complete? Hard truth: That good thing you’re wanting- Landing that job, getting that house, meeting the right person, having that baby, taking that trip, making your dream a reality- that thing that you think will fix the ache or fill the void or be the missing piece? It won’t. It might fill you for a moment, but ultimately you will always, always be left wanting until Jesus becomes the thing that you want above all other things. Preaching to myself.

“...I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Those words caught me off guard this morning. My first pass I read it as “I’ve learned to be content when life is not good.” But that’s NOT what it says. Paul says he’s learned to be content in both abundance and need. And I thought, Why would I need to learn to be content in abundance?? Isn’t that when life is good and everything is easy? So here’s what’s easy about living in abundance: -It’s easy to put my trust and worth in my circumstances and take it away from God -It’s easy to stop looking for how God will work because I feel like I have a handle on life -It’s easy to be discontent with my abundance and want MORE abundance -It’s easy to develop a hoarding attitude and want to store away abundance for my days of need instead of sharing with those around me Maybe contentment is just as difficult in abundance as it is in need.

With great trepidation, I bought myself a day planner for 2019 today. Normally, planners=life for me (where my type A people at yo), but this past half year, goals and plans were a source of discouragement, overwhelm and despair. What was the point of setting goals when a good day was when I did laundry AND made dinner and still had enough energy to have an adult conversation with my husband? What was the point of making plans if only to cancel them? And mostly, where do you find a dream when you’ve forgotten HOW to dream? When you’ve stopped wanting things because it hurts a lot less to just not want anything than it does to constantly be disappointed when you can’t make it happen? So I stopped having dreams and instead tried to be content with accomplishing the bare minimum of work and laundry and dishes and grocery store runs. And I found myself a puke green shade of envy watching other people who knew what they wanted to do do what they wanted to do. And I have been miserable and j...

I haven’t read Job since college. Since when the biggest struggle I had was finding “the perfect” job, deciding where I wanted to live. Since life was easy breezy. I’m reading through the Bible chronologically (July 21st is the new January 1st FYI), and today I hit Job. I’m only five chapters in, but I GET it this time. I get how Job is feeling. I see the common ways not to comfort a grieving person in how his friends address him.  I see all this because I’ve lived more life and experienced hard things. I know grief and loss and health afflictions and financial setbacks. If you’ve read the Bible once, you’ve read it once. Read it again. And again. And again. You will never run out of “aha” moments.

I'm a go-er and a do-er. I want to fix things. I want to solve problems. I want to get in the thick of it, come out bruised and bleeding, brush off and go back and do it again. But I've been benched from all the things I'd love to be doing. For now at least. For a long time, I moped on the sidelines (I occasionally still do). But the bench is not a waste. For instance, you know all those flowery Bible passages that we use to pretend to comfort ourselves and others when life sucks? Sometimes, in the dark places, they sound rote. Fake. Made up. (And sometimes grossly pulled out of context, but that's another topic) " 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to ...

I do that a lot. If I just.... ...had a job I loved, then I would find fulfillment in work. ...wasn't so tired all the time, then I could be more useful in ministry. ...was married, then my job wouldn't be so important. ...could do something fun, then I would be happy. No. Nothing will quench the unsettled and unsatisfied feeling besides Jesus. "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.   I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11b-13 (Sidenote: it doesn't work to be mad at God that your life isn't how you want it. And, quite frankly, it doesn't help the situation in the least. Don't bother to try.)