Notes to My Siblings

I’ve tried to not be super vocal in my daily life about my illness except when it comes down to practical things like “I can’t eat that” and “I can’t go there”, mostly because I don’t want my identity to become wrapped up in being sick and dealing with these issues... or so I’ve told myself. But maybe it’s more about pride and trying to pretend I’m something I’m not... trying to pretend I’m far from weak and that I have everything under control when really I do not and cannot. Like it or not, it IS part of what I am, and it has shaped who I have become. Suffering has its benefits, and I do not say this lightly: The physical pain I experience daily would have been major cause for alarm 4 years ago.  Now, it’s so normal I notice when I’m NOT in pain. The emotional pain of loss caused by health challenges is felt just as keenly. Suffering has caused me to... ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 1. KNOW GRACE. I did not understand the concept of grace until all of my physical and mental abilities were stripped ...

5:50AM- *beep-beep, beep-bee--* 6:03AM- "Top bunk to bottom bunk: Psst!" "WHHAATTTT." "You awake?" "Nooo." "Yeah me neither. I don't wanna get up." "Nope. The rain makes it so cozy." "Ok. Let's don't. We can work out later." *scrunches back under the covers* 8:12AM- *GGRRRRRRRRRR!!!* ^That's the sound of my consciousness stabbing me and yelling "You failed again at getting up early and getting stuff done before leaving for work! You suck at discipline!" Why yes, yes I do. And some day, that realization is going to smart worse than just a guilty conscience. I'm an American softie. Sure, I'm tougher than some, maybe tougher than average (that's probably wishful thinking, but hey- one can dream), but I am not a disciplined person. I set a goal to work out 6 days a week this summer-- that lasted 3 weeks. I set a goal to memorize 1 Peter 1-- I made ...

The word discipline always has an ominous sound to it. When I think of discipline, I associate it with doing something wrong or failing. Today I'm looking at it differently. Discipline is learning to do something right and well. Discipline is rolling out of bed at 5:30am to work out when the snooze button is calling your name. Learning to deal with physical unpleasantness and pain. Discipline is pulling out your Bible and slogging through a chapter or two, even when God feels miles away. Learning to seek God regardless of how you feel. Discipline is learning and training, not punishment. ...God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:10b-11