Notes to My Siblings

"...out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." I often neglect my heart. I work hard to make sure what comes out of me is right and acceptable, and I catch myself feeling frustrated when I make the same harsh comments or think the same bad thoughts over and over again. And so I try harder to modify my behavior and "do better". And I fail. I'm trying to catch myself when I start slapping my own hand for slipping up and instead trying to notice what I'm feeling. Therapy is teaching me to trace my feelings back to my secret places and ask why I'm feeling that way. Jesus is teaching me to bring the deep hurts and pains at the roots of those feelings to him and let him carry them for me. Giving up hurts is hard. Changing ingrained beliefs and behaviors seems nearly impossible sometimes. But I'm slowly learning that when I do give Jesus my hurt and pain, my insides feel lighter and brighter. And my words and actions follow, and they become life-g

There’s nothing like being knocked flat on your back for no apparent reason to get the message across: you don’t have enough. You aren’t enough. You can never do enough. . We were supposed to move this weekend but it got delayed due to a flare. I’ve spent the last two days in trying to rest, my massive to-do-do list scrolling through my mind, screaming that I’m a failure, my body numb with exhaustion. The stress keeps rising and rising, telling me I’ll never get it all done, especially not now. I’ve always struggled with doing and doing and never feeling like it’s enough.... so much so that I tattooed “not by works, only grace” in my shoulder to remind myself that: I can never be enough. I can never do enough. Jesus is the only one who is enough. And in his incomprehensible goodness, he shares his infinite enoughness with me, so that I am made to be enough by no merit of my own. In my head, I know it is true: Jesus has made me enough. In my heart, I struggle. Am I a good enough friend