Notes to My Siblings

With great trepidation, I bought myself a day planner for 2019 today. Normally, planners=life for me (where my type A people at yo), but this past half year, goals and plans were a source of discouragement, overwhelm and despair. What was the point of setting goals when a good day was when I did laundry AND made dinner and still had enough energy to have an adult conversation with my husband? What was the point of making plans if only to cancel them? And mostly, where do you find a dream when you’ve forgotten HOW to dream? When you’ve stopped wanting things because it hurts a lot less to just not want anything than it does to constantly be disappointed when you can’t make it happen? So I stopped having dreams and instead tried to be content with accomplishing the bare minimum of work and laundry and dishes and grocery store runs. And I found myself a puke green shade of envy watching other people who knew what they wanted to do do what they wanted to do. And I have been miserable and j

I’ve tried to not be super vocal in my daily life about my illness except when it comes down to practical things like “I can’t eat that” and “I can’t go there”, mostly because I don’t want my identity to become wrapped up in being sick and dealing with these issues... or so I’ve told myself. But maybe it’s more about pride and trying to pretend I’m something I’m not... trying to pretend I’m far from weak and that I have everything under control when really I do not and cannot. Like it or not, it IS part of what I am, and it has shaped who I have become. Suffering has its benefits, and I do not say this lightly: The physical pain I experience daily would have been major cause for alarm 4 years ago.  Now, it’s so normal I notice when I’m NOT in pain. The emotional pain of loss caused by health challenges is felt just as keenly. Suffering has caused me to... ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 1. KNOW GRACE. I did not understand the concept of grace until all of my physical and mental abilities were stripped away

I haven’t read Job since college. Since when the biggest struggle I had was finding “the perfect” job, deciding where I wanted to live. Since life was easy breezy. I’m reading through the Bible chronologically (July 21st is the new January 1st FYI), and today I hit Job. I’m only five chapters in, but I GET it this time. I get how Job is feeling. I see the common ways not to comfort a grieving person in how his friends address him.  I see all this because I’ve lived more life and experienced hard things. I know grief and loss and health afflictions and financial setbacks. If you’ve read the Bible once, you’ve read it once. Read it again. And again. And again. You will never run out of “aha” moments.