I Planned.

I think I realized the fundamental problem with my life. I generally begin statements with "I plan..." or "I will..." or "I won't..."  Notice a pattern?  "I".  As long as "I" is the central part of my decision making process, I'm going to fail.  His power is made perfect when I am weak.  Which is now.

Then I add qualifiers to those statements, especially when I'm talking to God: "I will.... if you would just..."  as if I can tell him that what I'm going to do that depends on him keeping a bargain he never agreed to.

When I actually pay attention to the details of the biblical "heroes", I realize that they're not heroes at all.  They are humans with many, many faults.  Moses had a speech impediment, and God called him to be the spokesperson for the entire Israelite nation.  Gideon was a coward, and God chose him to lead an army.  How ever reluctantly it happened, they allowed God to work through them, and were just willing people.

I said I would never have anything to do with the art industry.  I majored in design.  I said I would never have children.  My ideal career is wife and mom.  I said I would never move back in with my parents.  I'm moving back in in two weeks.  I struggle to admit defeat.  And yet, I've done everything I can... and it hasn't worked.  Thus, I am defeated.  I am weak and willing.

God, use me and work through me.  No qualifiers.

{A great post about Surrender}