Skip to main content

This Present Darkness


Everywhere I turn, normal little things stand as reminders of what I can't do and what I've lost. Some days, I don't know how to put words to the feelings and so the tears come. And they don't stop. I don't know how to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. To grieve the loss of just doing normal things.

Life is hard right now. There's not one thing in my life right now that is simple or easy. Even the good things are hard and tainted with a touch of complication or fear. I've tried and tried to process life. To come to a conclusion. To resolve and move on. Every time I think I've conquered it, the tears come the next moment.

But I'm learning. I'm learning that spiritual oppression is real and Satan hates me and wants me to quit. I'm learning to trust God because I've done everything I know how and it's not working. I'm learning (very slowly) to accept help and care from others as an extension of God's grace to me. I'm learning to attack sin and keep attacking when the push back is so strong I think I might be crushed.

If I had a choice, I'd rather learn in a coffee shop from a book. Instead, I'm learning while army crawling through a minefield. I want it to stop. I want to not be in pain. I don't want to have to consider if I'll have enough energy to do certain things when deciding how I'll fill my day. I want my relationships to be smooth and peaceful and easy. I want to work like a normal person, and eat pizza if I feel like it.

But for some reason, that is not the life I've been given. It's easy to say with my mouth when making polite conversation that I trust that God will be glorified and use this pain in some way, but my heart struggles to believe it. I wonder how long, Oh Lord.

Every day, I do my best to choose to trust the One who made me. Some days, that choice comes with willingness and joy. And some days, that choice comes with tears and an ache I can't find words for.
Labels:

Comments

  1. Abby RichettMay 30, 2017 at 11:03 PM

    I just love you so much. Praying for you my sister❤️ Thank you for sharing the good and the hard with us, you mean SO much to us.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Still, Small Voice

Like any good human, I'm waiting for the earthquake that determines my next move in life. I'm waiting for the hurricane, or the volcano, or the atomic bomb. Something obvious that will tell me what to do. You're not being faithful in the little things. I was driving down the road on my way to work, whining to God about why I had to be doing this, why I couldn't move somewhere new, do something new, try something exciting. Then came the still small voice. You're not being faithful in the little things. And it was gone. It wasn't the flowery message we so often pass around of God has great things for you, just wait, it will come, it will be better than you could imagine... It was you're not being faithful . Ouch. Words never sting so much as when you know, no question, they're true. The time I waste. The half-hearted job I do on certain tasks. The avoiding of certain people. The fact I'm sitting here flipping between Facebook and ty...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Thing I Hate About School

It's consuming. Here we are, last day of classes with four days of finals to go, and I'm consumed with homework. I have no time for people. I HATE IT!!! I like people. I like being with people, doing things with people, talking with people, and sharing real life with people. When I'm spending hours on homework, people have to get skipped. You want to do something with me? Well, I have an opening between 4:37 and 4:52. Would that work for you? No? Ok, how about three weeks from next Tuesday at 12:57? Oh, you have class then? Well, you'll have to go on my waiting list. If a Marketing Plan cancels, I'll let you know. That's basically been my whole semester. As frustrating as it has been, I've learned from it. Not necessarily applied what I've learned, but I have learned. A family friend who works for Campus Crusade in Florida says it well in one of his blog posts: "Everybody has 168 hours each week... The schedule is in your hands. How will you use yo...
2 comments
Read more

A Lamp to My Feet

"I'm so thankful for the Word of God that continues to, day by day, guide my steps and give me just enough light for the step I'm on." -Abby Hickey of Little Birdie Blessings I'm so thankful for my friend Abby and her encouragement. She has consistently texted me a scripture verse at least 4 times a week since last October. I can't begin to count the times when the verse she has sent has been exactly what I needed at the exact moment I needed it.  The day I was annoyed with EVERYONE on the road and EVERYONE that called in to work: "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, and patience." Colossians 3:12b The day I was agonizing over decisions affecting the future: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3 The day I was going have a second interview and would possibly have to make a decision and I had no idea what way to go: "Whether you turn to the right or th...
1 comment
Read more