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This Present Darkness


Everywhere I turn, normal little things stand as reminders of what I can't do and what I've lost. Some days, I don't know how to put words to the feelings and so the tears come. And they don't stop. I don't know how to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. To grieve the loss of just doing normal things.

Life is hard right now. There's not one thing in my life right now that is simple or easy. Even the good things are hard and tainted with a touch of complication or fear. I've tried and tried to process life. To come to a conclusion. To resolve and move on. Every time I think I've conquered it, the tears come the next moment.

But I'm learning. I'm learning that spiritual oppression is real and Satan hates me and wants me to quit. I'm learning to trust God because I've done everything I know how and it's not working. I'm learning (very slowly) to accept help and care from others as an extension of God's grace to me. I'm learning to attack sin and keep attacking when the push back is so strong I think I might be crushed.

If I had a choice, I'd rather learn in a coffee shop from a book. Instead, I'm learning while army crawling through a minefield. I want it to stop. I want to not be in pain. I don't want to have to consider if I'll have enough energy to do certain things when deciding how I'll fill my day. I want my relationships to be smooth and peaceful and easy. I want to work like a normal person, and eat pizza if I feel like it.

But for some reason, that is not the life I've been given. It's easy to say with my mouth when making polite conversation that I trust that God will be glorified and use this pain in some way, but my heart struggles to believe it. I wonder how long, Oh Lord.

Every day, I do my best to choose to trust the One who made me. Some days, that choice comes with willingness and joy. And some days, that choice comes with tears and an ache I can't find words for.
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  1. Abby RichettMay 30, 2017 at 11:03 PM

    I just love you so much. Praying for you my sister❤️ Thank you for sharing the good and the hard with us, you mean SO much to us.

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