Notes to My Siblings

With great trepidation, I bought myself a day planner for 2019 today. Normally, planners=life for me (where my type A people at yo), but this past half year, goals and plans were a source of discouragement, overwhelm and despair. What was the point of setting goals when a good day was when I did laundry AND made dinner and still had enough energy to have an adult conversation with my husband? What was the point of making plans if only to cancel them? And mostly, where do you find a dream when you’ve forgotten HOW to dream? When you’ve stopped wanting things because it hurts a lot less to just not want anything than it does to constantly be disappointed when you can’t make it happen? So I stopped having dreams and instead tried to be content with accomplishing the bare minimum of work and laundry and dishes and grocery store runs. And I found myself a puke green shade of envy watching other people who knew what they wanted to do do what they wanted to do. And I have been miserable and j...

I’ve tried to not be super vocal in my daily life about my illness except when it comes down to practical things like “I can’t eat that” and “I can’t go there”, mostly because I don’t want my identity to become wrapped up in being sick and dealing with these issues... or so I’ve told myself. But maybe it’s more about pride and trying to pretend I’m something I’m not... trying to pretend I’m far from weak and that I have everything under control when really I do not and cannot. Like it or not, it IS part of what I am, and it has shaped who I have become. Suffering has its benefits, and I do not say this lightly: The physical pain I experience daily would have been major cause for alarm 4 years ago.  Now, it’s so normal I notice when I’m NOT in pain. The emotional pain of loss caused by health challenges is felt just as keenly. Suffering has caused me to... ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 1. KNOW GRACE. I did not understand the concept of grace until all of my physical and mental abilities were stripped ...

I haven’t read Job since college. Since when the biggest struggle I had was finding “the perfect” job, deciding where I wanted to live. Since life was easy breezy. I’m reading through the Bible chronologically (July 21st is the new January 1st FYI), and today I hit Job. I’m only five chapters in, but I GET it this time. I get how Job is feeling. I see the common ways not to comfort a grieving person in how his friends address him.  I see all this because I’ve lived more life and experienced hard things. I know grief and loss and health afflictions and financial setbacks. If you’ve read the Bible once, you’ve read it once. Read it again. And again. And again. You will never run out of “aha” moments.

Everywhere I turn, normal little things stand as reminders of what I can't do and what I've lost. Some days, I don't know how to put words to the feelings and so the tears come. And they don't stop. I don't know how to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. To grieve the loss of just doing normal things. Life is hard right now. There's not one thing in my life right now that is simple or easy. Even the good things are hard and tainted with a touch of complication or fear. I've tried and tried to process life. To come to a conclusion. To resolve and move on. Every time I think I've conquered it, the tears come the next moment. But I'm learning. I'm learning that spiritual oppression is real and Satan hates me and wants me to quit. I'm learning to trust God because I've done everything I know how and it's not working. I'm learning (very slowly) to accept help and care from others as an extension of God's grace to me. I'm ...

I'm a go-er and a do-er. I want to fix things. I want to solve problems. I want to get in the thick of it, come out bruised and bleeding, brush off and go back and do it again. But I've been benched from all the things I'd love to be doing. For now at least. For a long time, I moped on the sidelines (I occasionally still do). But the bench is not a waste. For instance, you know all those flowery Bible passages that we use to pretend to comfort ourselves and others when life sucks? Sometimes, in the dark places, they sound rote. Fake. Made up. (And sometimes grossly pulled out of context, but that's another topic) " 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to ...

11  “Take care lest you forget the Lord your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, 12  lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, 13  and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, 14  then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, 15  who led you through the great and terrifying wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water, who brought you water out of the flinty rock, 16  who fed you in the wilderness with manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end. 17  Beware lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ 18  You shall remember th...