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GRIEF

It’s been four years + a month since my body crashed and changed my life forever. I’m not sure why I keep this letter, but every time I hold it I can still feel the pain I felt when after three months of testing and interviews I was one of two final candidates and I decided to withdraw because my health issues were so serious that I knew I would most likely be a danger to the people I would serve rather than a help. I grieve what I actually lost these past four years, but the grief of the could-have-beens is what hits me hardest and when I least expect it.

Lately I’ve grown to notice that if I’m criticizing someone or something, odds are, at the root of it, I’m grieving something I’ve lost. That might sound crazy, but for me grief is often disguised as jealousy and revealed as criticism.

I started to write about grief at least five times and then deleted and started over. Grief and grieving is a hard concept for me. I am uncomfortable with anything that I can’t “fix” quickly, and grief is one of those things that even after you think you’ve dealt with it, it still creeps up on you when you least expect it. I don’t know what to do with all my grief yet, but I’m thankful that I do know the Comforter.

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