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UNCERTAINTY

As a result of Lyme and other trauma, I’ve developed “checking” (a combo of OCD and anxiety) over the last few years. For me, the root of checking is the need to be sure. Really, really sure. Beyond sure.

Is the door locked? Is it really locked? What if it just looks locked, I’d better push on it to be sure. What if it felt locked that one time but it’s not actually locked? I’d better push on it again and try the knob. What if my brain is tricking me and making it look and feel like it’s locked but it’s actually not? Better check again.

From locking the door and beyond, things that have risk involved or a way they could turn south send my mind into crazyland trying to think of all the possibilities and control the outcomes to safe ones.

Which is, of course, impossible. Living in uncertainty is part of being human. We can’t be sure of what will happen in the next minute, forget about the next week (as the COVID freak out has taught us) and we will work ourselves into an exhausted mess if we try to control our world and make every thing a sure thing.

We do, however, have access to the One Sure Thing: Jesus. But sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), I struggle with feeling like Jesus is a sure thing.

Where uncertainty is concerned, truth has to trump feelings. The truth is, I locked the door, even if I don’t feel like I did. The truth is, Jesus is exactly who scripture says He is, even if I don’t feel like He is. Sometimes, certainty is a choice to believe what’s true, not a thing that we feel.

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