Notes to My Siblings

With great trepidation, I bought myself a day planner for 2019 today. Normally, planners=life for me (where my type A people at yo), but this past half year, goals and plans were a source of discouragement, overwhelm and despair. What was the point of setting goals when a good day was when I did laundry AND made dinner and still had enough energy to have an adult conversation with my husband? What was the point of making plans if only to cancel them? And mostly, where do you find a dream when you’ve forgotten HOW to dream? When you’ve stopped wanting things because it hurts a lot less to just not want anything than it does to constantly be disappointed when you can’t make it happen? So I stopped having dreams and instead tried to be content with accomplishing the bare minimum of work and laundry and dishes and grocery store runs. And I found myself a puke green shade of envy watching other people who knew what they wanted to do do what they wanted to do. And I have been miserable and j...

I’ve tried to not be super vocal in my daily life about my illness except when it comes down to practical things like “I can’t eat that” and “I can’t go there”, mostly because I don’t want my identity to become wrapped up in being sick and dealing with these issues... or so I’ve told myself. But maybe it’s more about pride and trying to pretend I’m something I’m not... trying to pretend I’m far from weak and that I have everything under control when really I do not and cannot. Like it or not, it IS part of what I am, and it has shaped who I have become. Suffering has its benefits, and I do not say this lightly: The physical pain I experience daily would have been major cause for alarm 4 years ago.  Now, it’s so normal I notice when I’m NOT in pain. The emotional pain of loss caused by health challenges is felt just as keenly. Suffering has caused me to... ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 1. KNOW GRACE. I did not understand the concept of grace until all of my physical and mental abilities were stripped ...

I haven’t read Job since college. Since when the biggest struggle I had was finding “the perfect” job, deciding where I wanted to live. Since life was easy breezy. I’m reading through the Bible chronologically (July 21st is the new January 1st FYI), and today I hit Job. I’m only five chapters in, but I GET it this time. I get how Job is feeling. I see the common ways not to comfort a grieving person in how his friends address him.  I see all this because I’ve lived more life and experienced hard things. I know grief and loss and health afflictions and financial setbacks. If you’ve read the Bible once, you’ve read it once. Read it again. And again. And again. You will never run out of “aha” moments.

Everywhere I turn, normal little things stand as reminders of what I can't do and what I've lost. Some days, I don't know how to put words to the feelings and so the tears come. And they don't stop. I don't know how to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. To grieve the loss of just doing normal things. Life is hard right now. There's not one thing in my life right now that is simple or easy. Even the good things are hard and tainted with a touch of complication or fear. I've tried and tried to process life. To come to a conclusion. To resolve and move on. Every time I think I've conquered it, the tears come the next moment. But I'm learning. I'm learning that spiritual oppression is real and Satan hates me and wants me to quit. I'm learning to trust God because I've done everything I know how and it's not working. I'm learning (very slowly) to accept help and care from others as an extension of God's grace to me. I'm ...

“Adoption is a beautiful picture of redemption. It is the Gospel in my living room.” -Katie Davis I made my monthly visit to my little guy who's in foster care today and came away with a little ache for his unknown future. Today is National Adoption Day, drawing attention to the 100,000 kids in foster care in the US who are legally freed for adoption and waiting for a family to call them their own. Did you see that number? That's a lot of kids. And that's not even a quarter of the kids in foster care. I could spew stats for a while, but Google can help you out with that.  Instead, go look at these faces. Then ask why. Why are there so many. Sure, these kids are broken. But they're no more broken than you and me. The Gospel takes the broken, messed up you and me and adds us into God's family where we are loved infinitely even though we did nothing to deserve it.  And honestly I have a tornado of thoughts on this subject but I'm tired and can't f...

I'm a go-er and a do-er. I want to fix things. I want to solve problems. I want to get in the thick of it, come out bruised and bleeding, brush off and go back and do it again. But I've been benched from all the things I'd love to be doing. For now at least. For a long time, I moped on the sidelines (I occasionally still do). But the bench is not a waste. For instance, you know all those flowery Bible passages that we use to pretend to comfort ourselves and others when life sucks? Sometimes, in the dark places, they sound rote. Fake. Made up. (And sometimes grossly pulled out of context, but that's another topic) " 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to ...

Last week, I wore chacos. I had to wear a sweatshirt too, but that's not important. The important part is, it was warm enough for CHACOS. (If you don't know what chacos are, you need to look them up. They are the only summer footwear you'll ever need.) Today, there is three inches of do-not-wear-chacos-if-you-value-your-toes on the ground. And it's still coming down. I guess it's back to the boots. At first I was frustrated. I mean, come on. Why the tease of summer if it's only to be snatched away again?! But as usual, God was like, excuse me, there's a lesson here if you're paying attention... The snow is like our problem(s). We can either be frustrated by it, and consequently nothing will be happy today, or we can see the beauty in it, take it for what it is, and choose joy. And now for a string of Maxwell Smart-like "Snow is like your problems because...." (see the Get Smart episode "A Tale of Two Tales" if this makes no sens...