Notes to My Siblings

"...out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." I often neglect my heart. I work hard to make sure what comes out of me is right and acceptable, and I catch myself feeling frustrated when I make the same harsh comments or think the same bad thoughts over and over again. And so I try harder to modify my behavior and "do better". And I fail. I'm trying to catch myself when I start slapping my own hand for slipping up and instead trying to notice what I'm feeling. Therapy is teaching me to trace my feelings back to my secret places and ask why I'm feeling that way. Jesus is teaching me to bring the deep hurts and pains at the roots of those feelings to him and let him carry them for me. Giving up hurts is hard. Changing ingrained beliefs and behaviors seems nearly impossible sometimes. But I'm slowly learning that when I do give Jesus my hurt and pain, my insides feel lighter and brighter. And my words and actions follow, and they become life-g...

There’s nothing like being knocked flat on your back for no apparent reason to get the message across: you don’t have enough. You aren’t enough. You can never do enough. . We were supposed to move this weekend but it got delayed due to a flare. I’ve spent the last two days in trying to rest, my massive to-do-do list scrolling through my mind, screaming that I’m a failure, my body numb with exhaustion. The stress keeps rising and rising, telling me I’ll never get it all done, especially not now. I’ve always struggled with doing and doing and never feeling like it’s enough.... so much so that I tattooed “not by works, only grace” in my shoulder to remind myself that: I can never be enough. I can never do enough. Jesus is the only one who is enough. And in his incomprehensible goodness, he shares his infinite enoughness with me, so that I am made to be enough by no merit of my own. In my head, I know it is true: Jesus has made me enough. In my heart, I struggle. Am I a good enough friend ...

I almost threw it out because the rose had died. Then I noticed that the thorns sprouted new growth. Isn’t that just so much like life? The big dream or goal or accomplishment dies, and we wallow in self pity and go to throw ourselves out because we’ve failed... and we almost miss the newness that God grows out of our pain and sadness. Don’t miss the new life growing in you by staying stuck in the loss of what you thought was the greatest thing. 

“...I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Those words caught me off guard this morning. My first pass I read it as “I’ve learned to be content when life is not good.” But that’s NOT what it says. Paul says he’s learned to be content in both abundance and need. And I thought, Why would I need to learn to be content in abundance?? Isn’t that when life is good and everything is easy? So here’s what’s easy about living in abundance: -It’s easy to put my trust and worth in my circumstances and take it away from God -It’s easy to stop looking for how God will work because I feel like I have a handle on life -It’s easy to be discontent with my abundance and want MORE abundance -It’s easy to develop a hoarding attitude and want to store away abundance for my days of need instead of sharing with those around me Maybe contentment is just as difficult in abundance as it is in need.

With great trepidation, I bought myself a day planner for 2019 today. Normally, planners=life for me (where my type A people at yo), but this past half year, goals and plans were a source of discouragement, overwhelm and despair. What was the point of setting goals when a good day was when I did laundry AND made dinner and still had enough energy to have an adult conversation with my husband? What was the point of making plans if only to cancel them? And mostly, where do you find a dream when you’ve forgotten HOW to dream? When you’ve stopped wanting things because it hurts a lot less to just not want anything than it does to constantly be disappointed when you can’t make it happen? So I stopped having dreams and instead tried to be content with accomplishing the bare minimum of work and laundry and dishes and grocery store runs. And I found myself a puke green shade of envy watching other people who knew what they wanted to do do what they wanted to do. And I have been miserable and j...

I’ve tried to not be super vocal in my daily life about my illness except when it comes down to practical things like “I can’t eat that” and “I can’t go there”, mostly because I don’t want my identity to become wrapped up in being sick and dealing with these issues... or so I’ve told myself. But maybe it’s more about pride and trying to pretend I’m something I’m not... trying to pretend I’m far from weak and that I have everything under control when really I do not and cannot. Like it or not, it IS part of what I am, and it has shaped who I have become. Suffering has its benefits, and I do not say this lightly: The physical pain I experience daily would have been major cause for alarm 4 years ago.  Now, it’s so normal I notice when I’m NOT in pain. The emotional pain of loss caused by health challenges is felt just as keenly. Suffering has caused me to... ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 1. KNOW GRACE. I did not understand the concept of grace until all of my physical and mental abilities were stripped ...

I haven’t read Job since college. Since when the biggest struggle I had was finding “the perfect” job, deciding where I wanted to live. Since life was easy breezy. I’m reading through the Bible chronologically (July 21st is the new January 1st FYI), and today I hit Job. I’m only five chapters in, but I GET it this time. I get how Job is feeling. I see the common ways not to comfort a grieving person in how his friends address him.  I see all this because I’ve lived more life and experienced hard things. I know grief and loss and health afflictions and financial setbacks. If you’ve read the Bible once, you’ve read it once. Read it again. And again. And again. You will never run out of “aha” moments.