Skip to main content

This Present Darkness


Everywhere I turn, normal little things stand as reminders of what I can't do and what I've lost. Some days, I don't know how to put words to the feelings and so the tears come. And they don't stop. I don't know how to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. To grieve the loss of just doing normal things.

Life is hard right now. There's not one thing in my life right now that is simple or easy. Even the good things are hard and tainted with a touch of complication or fear. I've tried and tried to process life. To come to a conclusion. To resolve and move on. Every time I think I've conquered it, the tears come the next moment.

But I'm learning. I'm learning that spiritual oppression is real and Satan hates me and wants me to quit. I'm learning to trust God because I've done everything I know how and it's not working. I'm learning (very slowly) to accept help and care from others as an extension of God's grace to me. I'm learning to attack sin and keep attacking when the push back is so strong I think I might be crushed.

If I had a choice, I'd rather learn in a coffee shop from a book. Instead, I'm learning while army crawling through a minefield. I want it to stop. I want to not be in pain. I don't want to have to consider if I'll have enough energy to do certain things when deciding how I'll fill my day. I want my relationships to be smooth and peaceful and easy. I want to work like a normal person, and eat pizza if I feel like it.

But for some reason, that is not the life I've been given. It's easy to say with my mouth when making polite conversation that I trust that God will be glorified and use this pain in some way, but my heart struggles to believe it. I wonder how long, Oh Lord.

Every day, I do my best to choose to trust the One who made me. Some days, that choice comes with willingness and joy. And some days, that choice comes with tears and an ache I can't find words for.
Labels:

Comments

  1. Abby RichettMay 30, 2017 at 11:03 PM

    I just love you so much. Praying for you my sister❤️ Thank you for sharing the good and the hard with us, you mean SO much to us.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Note About My Siblings

The Original Siblings These are the "siblings". With the last three of the bunch graduating high school this year, I think it's an appropriate time to introduce them. On the left is Liz. An accounting major, she provides the common sense in the bunch. And thanks to her love of musicals, we all are a little more cultured. Next is Aaron. If you're ever in a jam, he'll be the first to help you out. And he'll make you laugh very hard in the process. Then Steph. Whether you've known her for 10 minutes or 10 years, she'll make you feel like an old friend. And she's often responsible for the-- never mind. It's classified. And Nick. Nick can hack your database or take a perfectly composed picture of a sunrise, depending on the day. And he's also got car ride composition covered. Abby. You'll know Abby's been there by the trail of little children tagging along after her. And she keeps us classy in word and deed. Finally Mica
2 comments
Read more

The Thing I Hate About School

It's consuming. Here we are, last day of classes with four days of finals to go, and I'm consumed with homework. I have no time for people. I HATE IT!!! I like people. I like being with people, doing things with people, talking with people, and sharing real life with people. When I'm spending hours on homework, people have to get skipped. You want to do something with me? Well, I have an opening between 4:37 and 4:52. Would that work for you? No? Ok, how about three weeks from next Tuesday at 12:57? Oh, you have class then? Well, you'll have to go on my waiting list. If a Marketing Plan cancels, I'll let you know. That's basically been my whole semester. As frustrating as it has been, I've learned from it. Not necessarily applied what I've learned, but I have learned. A family friend who works for Campus Crusade in Florida says it well in one of his blog posts: "Everybody has 168 hours each week... The schedule is in your hands. How will you use yo
2 comments
Read more

My Wise Advice

As I'm approaching my quarter-century-versary, I've been thinking about what wisdom I have to offer to the young whippersnappers. I don't have much. But there are a few things I've learned (the hard way is most often my learning style...). Don't make the mistake of thinking someday you'll "arrive" in your faith and have it all together. Stay teachable to the best of your ability. If you feel too confident in what you know about God, the Bible,etc., take a step back and remember how awesomely huge God is. Don't be like the pharisees and assume because you're a generally good person that you've got it figured out. God will make sure something happens that reminds you of that, and it probably won't be a good time. Make life a great big learning experience. Any time you have the opportunity to watch someone do something or try a new thing, take it. Watch the piano tuner. Hold the flashlight for the plumber. Pump the brake pedal for th
1 comment
Read more