Chronic illness has taught me that I can’t always do it, but even now, four years in, it’s rare that I actually straight out ask for help. ‘Because I can do it,’ I think. ‘Eventually.’ And if I can even kind of do it, I shouldn’t inconvenience anyone to ask for anything, not even family, unless I’m desperate.
What someone else might hear as “hey, could you grab me a few things at the store?” I hear myself saying, “I’m probably just being too soft on myself and now this person I’m asking for help from is going to think I’m a wimp and a bad wife and what do I need to look like when they bring the groceries so they feel like their effort was valid because I don’t know how to explain why I can’t drive myself and walk through a store when I look fine and am sitting up outside in the yard.”
I have a pride issue, true. But I’ve also been the victim of too many careless comments and accusations about how I’m not that sick, it’s not that bad, I’m faking it to get what I want.
I wish people making those comments knew that if I actually ask for help or stand up for myself and my health in a situation, it’s my last resort. I’ve done everything that I can do myself (and probably way more than I should have) and I’m swallowing my pride and begging for grace and mercy and understanding. I wish they could see the struggle inside of me that debated and considered if there was any possible way to do it myself so I wouldn't have to inconvenience anyone.
I’m also so, so grateful for the friends God has blessed me with who not once have questioned my challenges or made me feel like a burden. The ones who have cared for me, whether from afar with a text to say ‘how can I pray for you’ or locally who say ‘hey, need anything from the store?’ Even if I don’t accept your offer, it means more than you know. ♥️
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